Happiness List (aka Things That Make Me Go YIPPEE!)

I feel happy today that Raj was waiting for breakfast this morning.

I feel happy that I only have two computer tasks to do today.

I feel happy that I am feeling well enough to do errands this afternoon.

I feel happy that Minnie sits on my lap every morning and lets me stroke her.

I feel happy that Minnie sat on my lap yesterday afternoon for 2 whole hours.

I feel happy to be in the same room with Suzy.

I feel happy that I am taking care of my wonky stomach.

I feel happy that Sasha was in my life for 18 years.

I feel happy that Scooter blessed my life for 12 years.

I feel happy about all the lessons I am learning.

Happiness List

Today I am happy that Raj was safe and sound on the porch.

I am happy that I felt well enough to get up and feed Suzy while Jeff slept late.

I am happy that I could put earphones in and listen to music while Jeff and the neighbor were chatting incessantly in the kitchen while I was writing in the living room.

I am happy that my muscles are not achy like they were last night.

I am happy that I don't feel as bad as I have on past Saturday-after-chemo-treatments.

I am happy that I don't have to go anywhere today.

I am happy that I remember E's birthday.

I am happy that I did deep soul writing this a.m.

I am happy that I can have mac and cheese for lunch.

I am happy that I have abundant time and space for solitude.

I am happy that I might get to see Christmas Carol this year.

Connecting Gratitude with Joy

Sanaya Roman said something in her book yesterday that called my soul to attention. She said that whenever we practice gratitude, it cleanses our aura and raises our vibration. How cool is that?

And of course... the clearer our aura becomes and the higher our vibration is, the more joy we can let in and experience. So simple, yet so profound, right?

I have been cultivating a daily practice of gratitude and I do believe it is having an affect on my joy quotient. Time will tell! My gratitude practice is based on Melody Beattie's teaching in her book, Make Miracles in Forty Days. The primary focus is offering gratitude for EVERYTHING in our lives, not just the "good stuff." I highly recommend her book and this practice.

My gratitude blog is here.

I like her practice because it involves saying "I am grateful for..." or "Thank you for..." instead of saying "I feel grateful for..." There is a huge difference. Try it and see. If your car has broken down by the side of the road and you're late for an appointment, you don't have to FEEL grateful in order to say "Thank you for this breakdown."

Of course, there are some things that we are not expected to say "thank you" for. The death of a loved one, for instance. Cruel behavior on the part of another. When my beloved cat Sasha died this past July, I couldn't bring myself to say "I am grateful that Sasha is gone." But I COULD say "I am grateful for the 18 years of love that Sasha gave me" and "I am grateful that the vet was so kind to all of us when he put her to sleep." Etc. Do you see the difference?

Gratitude definitely infuses my life with more joy, sometimes right away, and sometimes it's more of a cumulative thing. Either way, it's always good to allow gratitude to weave its shimmering threads into the fabric of your own life.

Joy in the Present Moment

I've recently come to understand something about joy... it can ONLY be felt and experienced and savored in the present moment.

Think about it...

If your thoughts are mucking it up back in the past, or flying around the future... where is there room for JOY to fit in? It's HERE and NOW, and only here and now. Look around you... what joy is there for you RIGHT NOW?

For me, I am pausing this writing.... I can feel joy in the softening afternoon sunlight, in the scent of warm cinnamon from the candle I lit earlier, in the attentive tilt of my dog's head, in the footsteps of my husband as he approaches from the stairs. I feel joy in the rhythm of my fingers on the keyboard, in the learning of this important lesson down deep in my soul.

I will be trying to focus on this... staying in the present moment... in order to be more and more open to JOY.

Happiness List

Today I feel happy that 4 Pacheco's will be here tomorrow.

I feel happy that my stomach isn't as wonky as it has been the last 5 days.

I feel happy that Jordan and Jason are here with Jeffrey for the holiday.

I feel happy that they hugged me when they saw me yesterday.

I feel happy that the holiday ornaments are DONE.

I feel happy that Scooter was/is a part of my life. Ditto Sasha.

I feel happy that Raj chooses our front porch as a place of safety and nourishment.

I feel happy that Marti and I talked yesterday afternoon.

I feel happy that I am writing today.

I am so grateful for this happiness listing, as a companion to my gratitude listing. There is a subtle yet sweet difference between feeling grateful and feeling happy. My job is to notice the difference, and to include more experiences and activities in my life that invoke HAPPINESS, because happiness is the cornerstone to JOY.

Does This Fit Me?

I've been reading a wonderful book by Sanaya Roman, Living with Joy, and it is giving me pause to think about how I've defined joy and what joy really means. The chapter I've just read is about self-love, and about how being true to ourselves brings about a much deeper joy in our lives.

The challenge of loving yourself is to step aside from everything people tell you and ask, "Does this fit me? Does this bring me joy? Do I feel good when I do it?" Ultimately, your own experience is what counts. (p. 41)

I am gently working with myself these days to follow this "challenge" of loving myself. It's not as simple as it sounds, especially if you've been murking around for a few years (like I have) doing things half the time based on others' perceptions of you.

Last Thursday, I had a beautiful healing session via phone with John Corsa, and when I hung up, I took a bath, reveling in the new energy washing through and around me. When I came downstairs, Jeff wanted to turn on the TV and watch a show we had to catch up on. But I was able to be present with myself and ask, "Does this bring me joy right now, to have the TV on? Does this "fit" who I am in this moment?" And the answer was no. I just wanted to sit and soak in the silence for another little while.

I hesitated though. Usually our pattern is that when I come downstairs, we turn on the TV and that is something I really enjoy, that brings me joy. I didn't want Jeff to think I was undoing our pattern. I didn't want him to be bored (he's legally blind). But I remembered this challenge, to determine what "fits" me and what doesn't, and to be absolutely true to what does fit me.

So I said, "I'd kindof like to leave the TV off for 15 minutes, is that okay with you?" And of course it was! Jeff is very easy-going that way.

I had my 15 minutes extra of quiet time, during which I wrote in my journal and further absorbed the affirmations that John had given me during our time together.

And then we watched whatever show it was that was in our DVR queue and had a relaxing evening of laughter and chatting during our favorite shows (Thursday is Big Bang Theory night!).

I Feel Happy That...

Another part of the Cycles tool that I mentioned in the post just before this one, is naming, acknowledging and accepting the BRIGHTER feelings that weave their way through our days. These are gratitude, happiness, security and pride.

I am choosing to keep my awarenesses of gratitude on a separate blog, Gratitude No Matter What.

But I think from time to time I will do my Happiness Lists here on this blog, because when I can access that feeling of happiness, I know I am just a breath away from clear, pure JOY.

I feel happy that I got up early and made chicken soup for myself.

I feel happy that I had enough energy to make beef stew in the crockpot for Jeff too.

I feel happy that the house is silent right now.

I feel happy that I chose to sit in my easy chair and read for an hour before starting to work.

I feel happy that I also chose to sit at my art table and create for another hour before starting work.

I feel happy that I am feeling pretty good today.

I feel happy that I have a 4-episdode DVD of Gilmore Girls to watch. Also Parenthood on the DVR.

I feel happy that I am writing.

Cycling Towards Joy

A few years back I learned a powerful technique called "Cycles" that continue to help me process all kinds of emotional stuff. These Cycles are taught by Laurel Mellin in her book The Pathway.

The premise is that in order to get to a state of JOY, we need to work our way through the not-so-joyful emotions of anger, sadness, fear and guilt. So the Cycle technique can be done out loud or in writing (I looooove doing it in writing but it's also very good to do it with someone who is compassionately listening and not saying anything).

I feel very strongly about this concept of moving through the darker emotions, the shadowy, usually-unwelcome feelings in order to find the brightness of joy. And I'll be writing more about this in the future. Just something to keep in the back of our minds as we go through our days.

I promise myself to, as many times as I am able, acknowledge, name and accept any threads of anger, sadness, fear or guilt that are running through my body, mind and spirit throughout my day.

Deep River of Joy

One of my regular practices is using affirmations to change old mindsets and outgrown behaviors. I choose one each day (well, almost!) and write them kindof like a dialog in my Affirmation Transformation blog.

Today I am heading to my 6th chemo (out of 12) and I feel resistance burbling inside of me. I feel angry that I have to do this, spend half my day in a hospital, watching poison drip into my body. I feel dis-empowered and very unhappy that my weekend will be spent feeling ill and lying in bed because of the chemo treatment today.

So I chose an affirmation about joy, which is how I WANT to be feeling. Here is how the inner conversation went. No matter what any of the other "inner voices" say to me, I always revert back to the affirmation that I have chosen.

I am joyful.
No you're not, you're mad that you have to go to ANOTHER chemo today.

I am joyful.
No you're NOT.

I am joyful.
Full of joy? Right now? NOT!

I am joyful.
Then why aren't you singing and dancing?

I am joyful.
She can be full of joy and not running around singing and dancing!

I am joyful.
What is it that is bringing you joy today, dear one?

I am joyful.
I am full of joy and it flows in me deep like the undercurrents of a strong river.

I am joyful.
It doesn't have to do with outer appearances, only on inner workings of heart and soul.

I am joyful.
Hold this thought in your mind all day as you drive to chemo and sit in the chair and after as you rest at home. This is the deepest truth. You are made for joy!

I am joyful.
You can be unhappy and even angry and still have a deep vein of joy flowing through you.

*******

I will admit that usually, my inner committee doesn't turn around this easily for and with me. Usually, there is a lot more negative commentary and chatter. Today it was easier and I am delighted with the deep wisdom that sprang up to support me in using this affirmation.

The thing is, growing up, JOY was always a term, a feeling, an experience.... reserved for special occasions. In the last few years I have been coming to terms with the fact that JOY is something that can be felt and experienced on a daily basis. Parts of me still resist these daily dollops of joy, though, which is why I am working with this affirmation I AM JOYFUL.

I am working on integrating these facts into my life:

I can be full of joy and not running around singing and dancing!

Joy flows in me deep like the undercurrents of a strong river.

Joy doesn't have to do with outer appearances, only on inner workings of heart and soul.

I can be unhappy and even angry and still have a deep vein of joy flowing through you.

I am made for joy!

I used to think that if I was full of joy, I'd be walking around shining and sparkling like fireworks. I used to think that joy was loud, crackling, and full of movement. But now I see this isn't necessarily so. I can touch the joy within me at any moment. It is always there, just below the surface, sometimes deep below the surface, but it is there. It is a part of who I am and all I need to do is call it forth.

Joy is a Choice

I don't know if I will ever completely "get" this practice of consciously choosing joy on a daily, hourly basis, but I am trying, because my life feels so much better, smoother, stronger, when I do.

It's really hard to even THINK about joy when I'm wondering when I'm going to have diarrhea again and if I dare to go out to the grocery store and how many naps can one take in a given day anyway. So I am glad that I have this blog to keep me focused on my intention of JOY.

Here's what's infusing my life with joy today:

** the silence and solitude of having the house to myself
** the playfulness of the dogs at the dog park this morning
** large stretches of time to rest and read and write
** the smell of banana bread baking in the oven
** the buttery orange leaves on the tree in our yard
** the very sound of my breath and the feel of my stomach as it rises and falls, rises and falls

Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

Okay folks, this is definitely harder than I thought it would be. Especially because I am trying to instill this practice of JOY in me during long days of feeling ill from my chemo treatments. Yesterday was one of those days. Today is better, but only a little, and I am grateful that I have the energy to sit up and write this blog entry on my laptop today.

So... what gave me joy yesterday? I will admit that I did not stop and pause to FEEL the joy of any of these moments yesterday, because I felt so bad physically, but looking back, I can see that I consciously chose these things to incorporate a little joy into my life even though my body was feeling so weak and achy and out of sorts:

* I watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row!
* I sat on the recliner with Minnie in my lap and absorbed her comfort.
* I snuggled up with Jeff while watching 3 episodes of Big Bang Theory before bed.
* I took a warm bath.
* I stood on the front porch for a minute and breathed in the fresh fall air and admired the bright orange color of my mother-in-law's tree.
* I was kind to myself in spite of feeling crappy and not being able to do anything.

Postponing Joy

Several years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer the first time, I bought a purple bumper sticker with bright white letters that proclaimed "Don't Postpone Joy" and affixed it to the bumper sticker of my shiny red Kia. When I bought it and put it there, I was passionate about not postponing joy, about creating joy in my life and offering myself easy access to it.

However, as the months and years went by, I hardly even noticed the bumper sticker, and many things that bring me joy were moved to the bottom of my many to-do lists. Of course, I wasn't aware of this at the time; it just all kindof slipped through my fingers.

Now, 9 years later, I am re-evaluating this whole concept of not putting off those things, people, activities and experiences that bring me joy. I am meditating on this topic, and I am hoping and praying that this blog will keep me accountable to the many ways I am CHOOSING joy in my life.

You know how Oprah always knows something "for sure" at the end of every one of her magazine issues? Well this is what I, Anne Marie Bennett, know for sure: life is too short to put joy at the bottom of any of our lists. Joy should not even be ON a list. It should be as natural as breathing and loving. I will admit right now that Joy does not come quite that naturally to me, and that is okay. I am where I am and it is what it is. And it's all changing even as I write, because writing is one thing that brings me great JOY.