Deep River of Joy

One of my regular practices is using affirmations to change old mindsets and outgrown behaviors. I choose one each day (well, almost!) and write them kindof like a dialog in my Affirmation Transformation blog.

Today I am heading to my 6th chemo (out of 12) and I feel resistance burbling inside of me. I feel angry that I have to do this, spend half my day in a hospital, watching poison drip into my body. I feel dis-empowered and very unhappy that my weekend will be spent feeling ill and lying in bed because of the chemo treatment today.

So I chose an affirmation about joy, which is how I WANT to be feeling. Here is how the inner conversation went. No matter what any of the other "inner voices" say to me, I always revert back to the affirmation that I have chosen.

I am joyful.
No you're not, you're mad that you have to go to ANOTHER chemo today.

I am joyful.
No you're NOT.

I am joyful.
Full of joy? Right now? NOT!

I am joyful.
Then why aren't you singing and dancing?

I am joyful.
She can be full of joy and not running around singing and dancing!

I am joyful.
What is it that is bringing you joy today, dear one?

I am joyful.
I am full of joy and it flows in me deep like the undercurrents of a strong river.

I am joyful.
It doesn't have to do with outer appearances, only on inner workings of heart and soul.

I am joyful.
Hold this thought in your mind all day as you drive to chemo and sit in the chair and after as you rest at home. This is the deepest truth. You are made for joy!

I am joyful.
You can be unhappy and even angry and still have a deep vein of joy flowing through you.

*******

I will admit that usually, my inner committee doesn't turn around this easily for and with me. Usually, there is a lot more negative commentary and chatter. Today it was easier and I am delighted with the deep wisdom that sprang up to support me in using this affirmation.

The thing is, growing up, JOY was always a term, a feeling, an experience.... reserved for special occasions. In the last few years I have been coming to terms with the fact that JOY is something that can be felt and experienced on a daily basis. Parts of me still resist these daily dollops of joy, though, which is why I am working with this affirmation I AM JOYFUL.

I am working on integrating these facts into my life:

I can be full of joy and not running around singing and dancing!

Joy flows in me deep like the undercurrents of a strong river.

Joy doesn't have to do with outer appearances, only on inner workings of heart and soul.

I can be unhappy and even angry and still have a deep vein of joy flowing through you.

I am made for joy!

I used to think that if I was full of joy, I'd be walking around shining and sparkling like fireworks. I used to think that joy was loud, crackling, and full of movement. But now I see this isn't necessarily so. I can touch the joy within me at any moment. It is always there, just below the surface, sometimes deep below the surface, but it is there. It is a part of who I am and all I need to do is call it forth.